Some people don’t drink.  Some people just drink beer.  Some don’t drink beer, but at the end of the week will sip a dirty vodka martini, or while they turn down members of the opposite sex to feel better about yourself might gently sip upon a drink that ends in -tini because it looks good in your hand.  Then there’s others among us who don’t really like taking these concerns into account and want to get into a party-mode as fast as possible, and find that the best drink in the world is the one in their hand.

As if to cater to this specific demographic, a new class of alcoholic beverage has been bred.  Best described as high strength alco-pops, Joose and Four Loko are the best representatives of this class.  Their messed up spelling, though seemingly cute like a 3rd grader drawing his or her letters backwards, the messed up spelling indicates the degree to which you will be messed up.  Just imagine if you pick up one of these 23.5 oz cans, someone shouting at you “You’re going to be so drunk, your writing’s going to be slurred!”

Joose has an alcohol by volume of 9 to 9.9%, depending on flavor.  Four Loko comes in at a whopping 11% abv, meaning that its caffeination is likely there to keep you from slumping over in a stupor upon opening the beastly can.

Coming in flavors designed to be most appealing to simple palates, Joose comes in 4 flavors/colors: Cranberry (Red), Tropical (Blue), Orange (orange, stupid), and the intimidating Dragon Joose, a purple/grape concoction.  Four Loko comes in Punch, Orange and Grape.

So why not just drink red bull and vodka you ask?  The experience of consuming a Joose/Four Loko is unlike anything most people experience in real life.  Upon cracking a can, one first notices something eerie.  While opening most cans usuaully just means breaking a metal seal and equalizing pressure, opening a can of these beastly beverages is more like rubbing the lamp of a genie who will make all of your worst darkest wishes come true.  After a few sips of the can, the alcohol begins to hit your bloodstream, bringing that familiar feeling.  Then, as you drink, you notice yourself drinking faster.  With time, you become incredibly caffeinated, and drunker.  As you put your can down, one realizes a fist is being made for no reason.

By the end of the can.  Your heart is sped up, you are mind-bendingly drunk and that asshole doing an impression of you in the bathroom needs a punch in the face.  You go to cave that stupid nose of his in, and all of a sudden his face shatters but you’re covered in your own blood and your fist is now bleeding.  What do you do?

Crack another can open.  While Four Loko and Joose may not heal knuckle lacerations, they will make it so you don’t really notice it anymore.

So there you have it.  Four Loko and Joose… the stupidest thing to be legal to buy in convenience stores across Hampton Roads.